open letter of apology to my future children

i expect my children will often give me the finger

Dear [insert children(s) name(s) here]

First I would like to apologize for the high cost of energy, that 50% of your income  goes directly to your energy bills is probably my fault.  In my defense those energy saver light bulbs are terrible and make everything look like an office building, the only reasonable thing to do was to replace all the lightbulbs in my house with halogen bulbs, even though they suck more energy then those ladyboys down on Santa Monica boulevard.  (Santa Monica boulevard was a street in Los Angeles a city in California before it sank into the Pacific ocean.)

I would also like to apologize for a shortage of water.  Contrary to what President Bristol Palin would have you believe, we were warned of an up coming world water shortage and instead of preparing, I continued to run the sink while brushing my teeth and washing the dishes, I also needed let the shower run for three minutes in order to get the perfect temperature.

Unfortunately we were also warned that we would eventually run out of oil.  It was a huge surprise to us there really wasn’t any oil in ANWR and we destroyed the landscape looking for it.  It was very beautiful (you can find pictures on wikipedia).  I’m also sorry about the beaches, apparently offshore oil rigs were not as safe as we thought.  If you ever got the chance to ride in a gas guzzling car you would understand why oil was so difficult to give up.

Finally, I’m sorry that you won’t get to eat at McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, Applebee’s, KFC, or any other fast food or national chain restaurant.  I know that you probably see all of your friends enjoying Big Macs, and Double Downs and I’m sure they taste delicious.  During our senior year of college we gave up eating at those restaurants.  They may be quick, efficient, and seem delicious but the dark side to these companies is that their food is horrible for you, horrible for the people who work for it, horrible for the food industry, horrible for the environment, and while it may be tasty at first not long after you finish that seemingly delicious burger you will start to feel sick about yourself and in your stomach.

I also should apologize for not keeping processed food in the house.  No Kraft mac n cheese and definitely not with little ball park hot dogs chopped up in it.  No Oreo’s or TV dinners, pop only on special occasions and no juice boxes or Capri Sun.  Though you will be bombarded with hundreds of commercials for sugary cereals like Lucky Charms you won’t be getting any.  Prepare yourself for brown rice, whole wheat pasta and organic granola only.

What you will get an abundance of is fresh vegetables, fruits, legumes and roots (locally grown only.)  At this point I should also apologize for you having to spend every Saturday morning watching your parents swoon over organic eggs and vegetables at the farmers market like kids in a candy store.  You may also be required to log some time in your own garden tending to whatever can be grown in the back yard.

Why am I so guilty about raising you as a healthier better person?  Because in my youth I gorged myself with every one of those indulgences.  I could eat an entire bag of Cheetos in an afternoon and in my college years was known to drink a six pack of Dr. Pepper and fix myself a plate of bacon cooked in the microwave.  I ate McDonald’s and my favorite fast food dish was the Burger King chicken sandwich.  As I got older I became more conscious of not only what this food could do but what this food stood for.  I educated myself on the history of food and farmers and drastically changed my lifestyle.  I began reading the labels on food packages not looking for nutritional information but checking the ingredients.  

There was a time when I ate processed and fast food, had every cable channel available and wanted to be rich and famous in a big house with tons of toys.  Now my dream is to move to Maui and live in a small house with a poly cultural self sustaining farm.  I’m truly sorry your parents became hippies, it happened long before you were born and was in no way decided upon to make your life more difficult.

Love,

your caring parents.