ask already

I would love to push these assholes into shark infested waters

I knew what I had to do, it was perhaps the most important part of getting married.  We had a dress, a date, and a place but I still had not dropped down to one knee and asked Jaime to marry me.

I had never pictured myself proposing before, I had no mental image of what I always thought it should look like.  This doesn’t sound romantic but I found that while idea of getting on one knee and professing my undying love for Jaime and then asking her a question I already knew the answer to with a ring she’d already seen... a little embarrassing.

My plan was to really surprise her in the hope that her shock would take the pressure off me and put it back onto her.

I have never been a creative question asker.  I wasn’t the guy in high school with the inventive way of asking a girl out to the dance.  The most creative I ever got was putting roses and a letter on her car.  Who really remembers how you were asked to homecoming when you’re 73?  Who even wants to know how you were asked to homecoming?

Needless to say I was short on ideas and took to carrying the ring in my pocket hoping the right moment would strike and I would ask.  The moment never came and as each day went by and I didn’t ask I could feel Jaime’s frustration mounting.

By the end of April I decided the time was right, I don’t remember the exact day but come hell or high water I would ask.  I had been getting the sense from Jaime that if I didn’t do it soon a major fight would arise, the topic of said fight would certainly concern commitment.

We were going to a show that evening, our friend Molly was performing her show That Girl at the Comedy Central stage on Santa Monica boulevard in West Hollywood. (If your not familiar with Molly Prather, you need to be.)

My plan had been to take Jaime up to the Griffith Observatory and ask her to marry me as the sun set over the ever expanding city of Los Angeles.  I was going to do it before we left for the show however as it crept closer I was running out of time and became afraid that a romantic act like that would be so out of character that she would know what we were going up there to do the whole drive up.  I lost my nerve.

As we left for the theater I was desperately thinking of how I should ask, but I drew a blank.  Jaime on the other hand was becoming visibly frustrated with me, almost as if she’d read my mind, knew my original plan and was angry that I did not follow through. (I have an uncanny ability of knowing exactly how far I can push Jaime and have an even more uncanny ability to ignore my instinct and push her too far.)

If you’ve ever been to “Theater Row” on Santa Monica boulevard then you are aware that it is not considered to be one of LA’s more scenic locations.  It’s a dirty rundown area where the tranny hookers appear like cockroaches at nightfall.

Jaime parked the car and like I had become a puppet  no longer in control of my actions I found myself running around the car and opening her door before she could get out.  I dropped to one knee next to an old cigarette, a syringe, and a used condom and there I professed to her my undying love.

It wasn’t picture worthy, it wasn’t how little girls everywhere imagine it, this was just some schmuck dropping to his knee on a dingy side street.  I’ve often thought about what I would have done if I could do it all over again, if I could ask her anywhere at anytime, and without a doubt I wouldn’t change a thing.  It was done, it was official, it was exactly how I pictured myself doing it.

posted by: brian snider