don't call it a wedding

Jaime and I have been asked numerous times why we decided to get married.  At first I wasn’t sure how to answer the question, aside from the obvious: love.  It was some months later when Jaime hypothesized that perhaps the driving factor in our decision was the move to Los Angeles.

Just six months earlier we were proclaiming that we wouldn’t be marrying for years and yet here we were jumping right into the water without even checking its depth.  I tend to agree with Jaime, in Seattle life was easy, there were always friends and family nearby and though we lived together it was not uncommon for us to do things separately.  Once we got to LA all that changed.

Nearly every waking moment not spent at work was spent together.  We relied and depended on each other in ways we never had to before.  Whatever the little voice in our heads that was telling us not to get married had in six short months been silenced.

Initially we decided not to announce our engagement until May when we would be talking a trip home to Seattle.  By the next day however Jaime had told all her friends, family, and practically anyone who would listen to her.  I should have known that she couldn’t keep a secret.  This is the girl who has to do birthday shopping last minute because if she doesn’t the temptation to give the gifts early is too great.

I resisted that temptation, not only because it felt tacky to tell people over the phone. (See daily observation #002) but because I wasn’t sure how my parents would take the news.  They are practical people and with the economy teetering on the edge of implosion, our unsteady employment situation, and the financial commitment a wedding poses, I expected them to be less than thrilled.

To combat any potential negative reaction they might have, I decided to have as much of the wedding planned as possible before we told them.  This way we could go to them with an actual cost analysis and prove to them that in fact it was feasible.  I won’t lie however, at the time even I didn’t think a wedding was feasible.

The two biggest expenses were the Wedding Venue (and all the charges that accrues) and Jaime’s dress.  Almost immediately she began searching for the dress.

We weren’t having a traditional wedding, so I helped her choose the dress or at least the style online.  I did what to be surprised on the day of the wedding and not see her in it till then.  I don’t remember exactly how many weeks she searched but it didn’t seem like many before she headed out on a Saturday afternoon with Annika to do some dress shopping in person.

A few hours later I got a call saying that she’d found the dress.  She bought it and that was that, check dress off the list.  Now to find a venue for the ceremony and reception.

The wedding was to be held in Seattle, this is where our search began.  It became apparent immediately that our initial plans of holding the reception in my parents back yard would not work.  Early liberal estimates had the guest list at well over one hundred, even if we managed to cut that down as low as eighty it would still be maxing out available space.  So we began to search for other options.

The first lesson we learned (if you’re planning on holding your own wedding write this down and remember it) don’t call it a wedding.  As soon as you say that magic word the price of just about everything doubles or even triples.  Say “these flowers are for a party. We’ll be throwing a party.  This is a birthday cake.”

The next lesson we learned is that while it is entirely possible to find an affordable space for the reception, they force you to use their catering service which is severely overpriced and often, less than stellar food.

We’d called over a dozen places and didn’t even have anything on a short list.  We couldn’t afford any of them.  In a moment of desperation we called Cornish, our alma mater hoping to use Raisebeck theater, but even they turned us down.

By the way, did you know that in order to throw a party at a state park you have to pay.  $200 per hour, even if you’re only going to be there ten minutes it’s still $200.  Even what seemed like the cheapest option wasn’t even cheap.

The last place Jaime called was Ivar’s Salmon house (the nice restaurant at the north end of Lake Union not their fast food stand).  It seemed like a long shot but we loved the restaurant, it provided a wonderful view of the city right on the water, and boasted a beautifully remodeled banquet room.

As it turns out there was no deposit required for the room, the only requirement was that you spent at least $1500 on their delicious food.  For no fewer than seventy people this would not be a problem.

Here we were, a month into our engagement, we had a date, a dress, and a venue.  Though I’d still yet to present.  Jaime with her ring and ask the most important question of all. 

posted by: brian snider

let's get engaged

let's get engaged....sure.

Jaime and I have talked endlessly about how best to tell the story of our engagement and subsequent marriage.  This included an ill fated performance at IO West theater in Los Angeles.  Much of the following blogs involving the year of our engagement are drawn from that performance and our discussions.

As if our first year in a new city wasn’t hard enough; as if money wasn’t tight enough, as if everyday life wasn’t taking enough out of us, Jaime and I decided to make our like even harder by getting engaged.

How did this whole thing begin?  As best as I can remember it was the middle of April on a beautiful warm day.  Both Jaime and I were off work early and we had an afternoon to burn, without much money we decided to stay in and...well do what you sometimes do when you’re at home and have no money.  Afterwards we found ourselves laying in bed together, I can remember looking out the window and watching the bird fly up and land on the roof.  Somehow and even now I cannot fully remember Jaime brought up the topic of marriage.

The previous October we attended my brothers wedding and when people 

would turn to us and ask when we would be getting married we laughed.  

Half jokingly we told them that when all our friends were divorced we 

would get married.

Truth be told I only entered this conversation with Jaime because I could sense that to attempt to blow off marriage talk would only instigate a fight and I was far too exposed and relaxed for a fight.  I humored her, we talked about who we would invite, family and close friends only, where we would do it, at my mom’s house with a pot luck dinner.  We decided when, mid May of 2009 perhaps the 16th.

I imagine that this is where female readers will close their eyes and slowly shake their head from side to side wondering exactly how men can be so oblivious.  I understood that we were getting married but what I took away from the conversation was that this would happen somewhere in the future like buying a new car or going to Europe.  That date we set was loose and not set in stone.

We went the rest of the night without discussing the wedding and Jaime did not rush to tell anyone, the following morning was the same and I was almost able to forget about the entire thing.  On her way home from work that evening I learned how wrong I was, she had spent the entire morning looking at engagement rings and had told everyone at work that she was engaged.

“Look,” I said “I don’t want every conversation to be about weddings now.”  As soon as I said it I wished that I could take it back.  

An argument ensued and it nearly ended in a break up.  We discussed things further that evening and I began to understand that our conversation the afternoon before had not been a bunch of loose ideas and dreams, it was for real and I was acting like a total asshole.  We talked not about wedding plans but rather about why it was that I didn’t want to get married.

I didn’t have a good answer, the best I could come up with was that I wanted to wait until I had the money to throw a big lavish wedding.  I didn’t really want that, I believed that expensive weddings were a waste of money.  Sure you had memories and memories are important but it is just a day and with the money saved you could do so much more.  What I think my real fear was, was telling my parents.  In our situation and at a time when everyone was warning of a second depression it did not seem to make much sense to be getting married and I really didn’t want to have to justify our decision.

I had some time to think about what I wanted to do, by the next day it was clear to me that I had no reason not to marry Jaime.  I loved her, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and that was reason enough.  I called her that afternoon and told her that when she picked me up from work that we would head out to the Glendale Mall and go to Zales to buy her engagement ring.

Through out the entire process of getting engaged and eventually married we did very little conventionally.  Picking out the ring was far from conventional, she’d seen it on their website and loved it.  Unable to afford anything expensive it was to our benefit that technically this was a promise ring and priced at less than $120.  Jaime pointed it out to me in the case, she tried it on and then I insisted that she leave while I purchased it.  I didn’t let her wear it out of the store, it went into the box and sat in my dresser drawer.

We were technically engaged, preparing and planning for a mid May wedding.  There were dresses to buy, invitations to send out, parents to tell.  I was also holding onto a ring and I knew that at some point I would need to get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.  I didn’t know when or where or how I was going to do it but I did know that I was going to make her sweat about it a little.